While most Americans have heard of Dirk, many people don't fully understand his views on the various political, social, and economic issues facing our country today. We hope this brief list of questions and answers will help you understand how Dirk intends to address the complex and delicate state of domestic and international affairs when he is elected President.

All of Dirk's answers here are from actual transcripts of conversations he's had with his top political advisors and most trusted friends.

Do you advocate using tax dollars to support domestic security?
"I guess our safety, security, and freedom isn't worth a couple $100 million."

Do you think celebrities should be more involved in politics?
"I hope I didn't get anyone in trouble. Least of all Eric Estrada. He's a sexy man."

What's your stance on scientific research projects?
"The global warming theory sucks. Evolution sucks. Antimatter is cool."

We haven't heard much from your running mate; can you tell us about his whereabouts?
"He got buried under a 200 pound pile of elephant dung while administering an enema. He wasn't found until the Poop Clean Up Guy came around a couple hours later.

What are your first goals upon taking office?
"My balls itch... will you scratch them? Keep it quiet."

Do you plan to continue working toward nuclear disarmament? Or do you feel America's nuclear stockpile should be maintained?
"Nuke 'em all, baby."

What's your approach toward countries who don't share your views on the World Order?
"We want the sexy, in-and-out demolition of our easily targeted enemies."

How do you feel your employment history will help you in your role as President?
"I just got fired for receiving pictures of a woman's innards at work. Thanks, Steve."

What about your education?
"I'm the only one with a theatre degree. So the next time one of you starts critiquing a movie, I'll be sure to point out that you are in no position to do so."

Do you have any environmental goals?
"The only way to end the continual downward spiral that we are headed toward is for everyone to live in a tree somewhere."

What level of involvement do you foresee America having with regard to the United Nations?
"The U.S. doesn't like the U.N. because we are racists."

How do you feel about interviews?
"I think you are a communist terrorist."